Alexandra Bradner isn’t technically a love doctor — although she does have a doctorate and she has taught about love.
A visiting assistant professor of philosophy at Kenyon for the past decade, she studies the philosophy of science and has developed numerous interdisciplinary courses, including those crossing over into biology and law. Bradner started thinking more deeply about love a few years ago.
In her “Philosophy of Love” course she has explored the many kinds of love that thinkers have considered over the centuries: the love of wisdom; love of God; courtly and romantic love; even crushes and the role of dating apps and social media.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, Bradner took some time to talk about love from a philosophical perspective. She name-dropped a few major thinkers along the way, including Aristotle and that famous modern philosopher (and late-night host) Jimmy Kimmel.
What got you thinking about love and philosophy in the first place?
Love, I thought, would be interesting to think about because philosophy is all about reason. Philosophers don’t typically think about love. They don’t think about emotion. They’re interested in arguments and justifications and in reason. And at the same time, there’s a deep tradition in philosophy — I mean, philosophy means “love of wisdom” — so love is a part of it from the very beginning.”
Let’s move on to something easier. What is true love?
We read a great essay that I think gets it right. It’s by (Robert) Nozick. It has a real insight in it about the transactional versus non-transactional nature of love. There are features of your partner that you wish you could eliminate. Early in the relationship, you might be looking around for someone else without those qualities. You're thinking, “I might be able to find someone who doesn’t have all of those flaws.” Nozick's idea is that you're in love when you no longer want to trade up, because the new person, though they score higher on those measures, just wouldn't be your partner.
What do philosophers think is the secret to a lasting relationship?
Aristotle, at least, would argue that longevity is due to the fact that you’re not just using somebody for their body and you’re not just using somebody for their money, but you’ve really found somebody that you can grow your mind with. … It’s not about sex. It’s not about romance. … It’s someone that you’re really comfortable with and you can sit in silence with and you can talk to and you can be yourself with. For me, personally, that’s a little bit too absent of emotion. You’re not just a study partner. There has to be some attraction and passion there, and you have to be excited to see the person.
What do you hope your students learn about love?
I hope it gets students thinking about how many different forms of love there are and how they might relate to one another, and also the ones that they’ve experienced and that they haven’t experienced yet. Love is such an important concept for college-age students. It’s probably their primary concern, honestly. So it makes it really relevant.
What kind of love resonates most with students?
I think it’s parental love. We talk a little bit about what is romantic love, but most of them are not quite there yet. They’re still in the shopping phase where they might trade up for someone else. They’re so young, and it’s so new. Everything’s kind of tentative and not permanent yet. But the parental relationship is foremost on everybody’s mind because you’ve just had this tumultuous high school period where you’re breaking away from them but also they’re so important to you.
If you listen to these philosophers, will it lead you to love?
Oh my gosh. I would say no, because no philosopher has it figured out. We only read these philosophers so we can critique them; we never read them so we can accept their lessons. … Philosophy is not about instructing you in the ways of the truth. Philosophy is about getting you to question what you think are the ways of the truth and getting you to entertain alternative visions.
OK, but what do you think love is?
(Students) want me to tell them what I think love is, and I send them a video. It’s that Jimmy Kimmel memorial of his best friend from growing up. … He moved to a new town and was lonely and this kid just adopted him. They were friends for years and years and years. And this kid’s an amazing saxophonist and Jimmy Kimmel’s a struggling comedian, and finally Jimmy Kimmel gets this marquee job and he hires this guy as his band leader. After spending their entire childhood together, they spend their entire adulthood together — every single night.
It just struck me as love, I guess, because of the history, because of the joy, because of the closeness and the intimacy, because of the connectedness, because of how much they mattered to one another, because of the way in which they grew together and helped each other become who they wanted to be. And they both played such an important role in bringing out each other’s exceptional qualities. It’s a very Aristotelian kind of idea.
What’s your favorite representation of romantic love in pop culture?
I love the movie “Truly, Madly, Deeply” (starring Alan Rickman and Juliet Stevenson in 1990) as a statement of love: A woman’s (partner) dies and she’s overcome with grief, and it’s sort of about how she lives through the death of somebody who is that important to her. There must be something to me about how, maybe in death, love really reveals itself. Kimmel and “Truly, Madly, Deeply” are examples where you are really able to articulate the love only because it is gone.
Can social media make it easier to find love?
I never feel like I can speak to social media because it’s such a Gen Z thing. But the studies that we look at (argue) that social media does lubricate relationships. It helps you to meet people. It helps you to investigate people. … Every generation meets people differently. … I met my husband in college as an undergraduate. I think a lot about: How did that happen? And in my mind, it’s just because we were such close friends. We were best friends for five years and then eventually grew into a romantic relationship.
How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?
I think it puts incredible pressure on young people. I don’t like that. I don’t like the way in which you have to have a date. It’s a lot of pressure, and I don’t think love comes from pressure. It’s also, of course, extremely commercialized. It’s an environmental disaster. There’s all of that. But it’s probably not a terrible thing that there’s a day where you’re supposed to concentrate on your partner and remember how lucky you are.